Sasuke's Adventures in Greek Cooking
by Jedi Goat
Summary: AU randomness. Sasuke finds he likes Greek food and creates a new jutsu! OPA! Includes random encounters with Zabuza, Haku, Gaara, Lee and more!


**Sasuke's Adventures in Greek Cooking**

Jedi Goat

Author's Note: This is kind of an inside joke; we were at a Greek restaurant once which had 'flaming cheese' on their menu. They would bring out a platter and set it on fire, right in front of you, while saying "Opa!" We never ordered it, but we saw this happen at several tables throughout the night. Tru and I suddenly came up with an idea: who in Naruto would do that? Then I blurted, "Sasuke! 'Cause he's got those fireball jutsus!" Then we started brainstorming what he could flame, and so…

Note 2: Yeah, this is my first Naruto story, so I apologize if I get any details/jutsus wrong...

o0o0o0o

It had been Sakura and Ino's idea to invite Sasuke out for dinner one night. They had grudgingly agreed to ask him out together, and so the three of them went to a Greek restaurant. A very uneventful evening followed (unless you counted Ino and Sakura glaring at each other across the table and the waiter setting their appetizer on fire). The next day, however, strange things began to happen…

o0o

"Hi, guys!" yelled Tenten as team seven walked up to the training grounds. She, Lee, and Neji were already there.

"Isn't today such a YOUTHFUL day?" Lee exclaimed joyfully.

"Uhh…yeah," Sakura admitted nervously.

Sasuke's eye twitched. He didn't like Lee's hairstyle (it was so ugly compared to his cool hair!), his bright neon green spandex (gross!) or his freaky eyebrows.

"We are partaking in YOUTHFUL training to nourish the FLAME OF OUR YOUTH!" Lee informed them.

Sasuke's eye twitched faster.

"…" said Naruto intelligently.

"Wouldn't you like to join us in our YOUTHFULNESS?"

Sasuke lost it. Rapidly forming hand signs, he shouted, "Lee's spandex, hair and eyebrows, OPA!"

With that he used his fireball jutsu to burn Lee to a crisp.

Blinking his now eyebrow-less eyes, Lee stood in shock. His spandex was fried to a crisp, and his hair…well, now he was bald.

"Oh. My." Tenten managed to say.

"SASUKE!" gasped Sakura. "What- What –" It seemed to register with her that she was defending Lee against Sasuke (the two guys she kind of liked) and so she did a few quick calculations. Sasuke scored 10 on her hotness scale, compared to Lee's 0.0001; it was obvious who she should side with.

"THANK YOU!" she shrieked, immediately changing course. Leaping onto a shocked Sasuke, she continued, "NO MORE FREAKY EYEBROWS!"

Naruto was meanwhile trying to hold in his laughter. Lee looked insulted. Tenten giggled.

"I've been telling him for years to change his looks," she smirked.

But then something happened that made all of their efforts not to burst out laughing futile. Stolid, emotionless Neji sniggered.

"BWAHAHHAHAHAHA!" Naruto practically screamed, falling in the dirt. After that, everyone's defenses crumbled. As Naruto, Sakura, Tenten, and Neji laughed their heads off, Lee stomped off and Sasuke stood nonchalantly.

"I want to learn that jutsu!" gasped Naruto.

o0o

Later that day, team seven were assigned an important mission: they were to escort Tazuna, a bridge builder, to the Land of Waves. Compared to that morning, this was a very boring mission. Sasuke got some take-out Greek food to eat on the way because he was so bored. Naruto just complained the entire time.

Finally, they arrived at the half-finished bridge. Relieved, the ninja prepared to turn back to Konoha. However, at that moment two rogue ninja leapt out at them.

"You're not going anywhere!" yelled Zabuza. "Because we will kill you!"

"…" said Haku.

"Finally! Some excitement!" cried Naruto.

As Naruto and Sasuke faced off against Haku, Zabuza and Kakashi circled each other. Sakura and Tazuna were just confused.

"Um, why are they attacking us?" wondered Sakura.

Meanwhile, Haku used a complicated and advanced jutsu to form ice mirrors around Sasuke and Naruto.

"Oh no! We're gonna dieeeeeeee!" whimpered Naruto, latching onto Sasuke's neck. Sasuke shoved him off.

"You are now trapped in my mirror prison," Haku said, speaking up for the first time.

"Hey, you sound like a girl," Naruto said randomly.

Haku walked right through one of the mirrors and into the prison. Calmly striding up to the frightened Naruto, he then slapped him across the face.

"Do not," Haku growled.

"Okay! Okay! Sorry!" yelled Naruto, ducking.

"You know you're stuck in here, too, now, right?" Sasuke said in boredom.

Haku looked around. "Oh. You're right." Without an ounce of concern, he sat down cross-legged and pulled out two long needles.

Naruto flinched. "Wh-what's with the needles?"

"Oh, these?" Haku shrugged. "I'm bored." He removed a ball of wool from his pocket and proceeded to knit calmly.

Naruto and Sasuke stared at him in shock for a few minutes, but eventually Naruto lost interest in the non-threatening activity and poked around the mirror prison (literally).

"Hey, look, Sasuke! I can poke myself!" Naruto giggled as he poked his reflection. Sasuke rolled his eyes.

"Big surprise."

"Is he always like this?" wondered Haku, counting a row of stitches.

"Usually worse," Sasuke answered. "Really, is there any way for us to get out of here? I have better things to be doing with my time."

"Nope," sighed Haku. "It's impenetrable. We'll just have to wait until the ice melts."

Naruto unfortunately heard this. "WHAT!?" he yelled across the cage. "But what happens when I get HUNGRY!? There's no RAMEN in here!"

"Stop talking like Lee," growled Sasuke. He was getting annoyed. His eye was even twitching again.

Haku hummed to himself.

Sasuke couldn't take it anymore. He formed the familiar hand signs before shouting, "ICE MIRRORS! OPA!"

A flame erupted from his mouth, quickly eating through the mirrors. Haku and Naruto stared.

"It's that jutsu again!" gasped Naruto. "You really need to teach me it!"

Sasuke calmly stuck his hands in his pockets and walked away.

"Hey!" Haku called after him. "I'm not done your scarf yet!"

Outside the ice prison, Zabuza was demonstrating his supreme chef skills. Yes, his dream was to one day become a contestant on Iron Chef.

Using his gigantic blade, he quickly chopped and fried vegetables for an awesome stir-fry. He had even made chef gloves a fashion statement. Kakashi, Tazuna, and Sakura sat in a circle around him, watching him cook in awe.

Sasuke walked up to them, taking in the scene. His gaze hardened.

"Sasuke!" gasped Sakura, finally noticing him.

"Sakura…" he said icily.

"Um…I can explain!" she said hastily, seeing the murderous look in his eyes.

"You're not cooking Greek food!" he yelled over her, pointing threateningly at Zabuza. Growling, he moved through his hand signs. "ZABUZA'S HAIR…OPA!" A flame quickly engulfed Zabuza's head.

"GAAH!" yelled Zabuza, while Haku screamed and Naruto cheered.

Zabuza ran to the edge of the bridge to douse his head. When he returned, smoke wafted from the remains of his scalp.

"You…" he snarled at Sasuke.

"Hey!" a small voice interrupted. They both looked down to see a small kid. A small, annoying kid.

"You're supposed to be defending my grandpa!" complained Inari. "Not cooking!"

"SHUT UP!" yelled Zabuza and Sasuke at the same time, very annoyed by the annoying kid. Sasuke's eye twitched.

"INARI'S HAT…OPA!"

You can imagine what happened next.

o0o

After a stern lecture from Kakashi, team seven returned to Konoha village. It was now late evening, and Sasuke was hungry. Craving Greek food, he headed downtown. However, there was a bottleneck in front of his favorite Greek place. Sasuke peered over the other villagers' heads to see the cause: the Hokage was walking down the street. Everyone was gathered around him.

Sasuke growled like his stomach. He was hungry. And the Hokage was in his way!

Sasuke did the first thing that came to mind: he began pushing his way through the crowd toward the village leader.

"Ow!" exclaimed Hinata as he shoved her into Neji, who fell over Tenten, who then tripped on bald Lee, and so on…until the whole crowd was in a dog pile.

Sasuke stood alone facing the Hokage, sizzling with anger…because the Hokage was eating a Greek salad in the middle of the street! He was gloating about the fact that he had delicious Greek food, while Sasuke had none!

Snarling, Sasuke summoned up his chakra. "The Third Hokage's Hat…OPA!"

The crowd began to scream, but Sasuke no longer cared. Feeling quite satisfied with himself, he entered the Greek restaurant.

o0o

Filled with delicious Greek food, Sasuke sauntered back toward his house. He was feeling a lot more cheerful (at least, by Sasuke standards), after eating pitas with tzaziki and hummus. Not to mention setting the Hokage's hat on fire.

Unfortunately, this good feeling was soon to end as Sasuke accidentally bumped into someone.

"Sorry," he muttered, picking himself up from the street. In a very dignified manner, of course. That was when he got a good look at the other person's face, and he felt all of his happy feelings dissolve.

He had just run into Gaara of the Sand.

"You just bumped into me," hissed Gaara. "I kill you now!"

Sasuke quickly jumped away from the creepy Sand ninja. Forming hand signs as quickly as possible, he growled, "I'm not scared of you! GAARA'S GOURD…OPA!"

Sasuke knew the gourd was Gaara's source of his weapon, sand. Triumphantly he blew a stream of fire on it.

However, to Sasuke's surprise, the gourd began to harden into glass! Gaara's face contorted with rage. "I KILL-"

He didn't get to finish, however, as all the sand inside the gourd solidified and the weight became too much for Gaara's poor back .He fell over with a THUD.

"…Next time…" a weak voice said from under the gourd. Sasuke smirked and walked off.

o0o

Sasuke arrived back at the Uhicha mansion after no further delay. He arrogantly smirked, remembering how many times his cool new jutsu had defeated his enemies today. He was powerful…and no one would ever know the secret of his jutsu!

"I am powerful! No one will ever know the secret of my jutsu!" he cackled aloud.

"Join me," hissed a voice from the shadows. "We can share our powers…rule the world…"

Sauske glanced up in surprise as a man stepped out of his closet. It was Orochimaru.

"Join me…" hissed Orochimaru again.

Sasuke frowned slightly. "Uh, no."

"WHAT!?" thundered the snake lord. "YOU CANNOT REFUSE ME! I AM THE MASTER-"

"Whatever," muttered Sasuke. "You're ugly."

He turned away as Orochimaru exploded, "YOU'RE ONE TO TALK! COME BACK HERE AND SAY THAT TO MY FACE!"

"Fine," Sasuke responded, secretly making hand signs while his back was to Orochimaru. He whirled around. "OROCHIMARU'S HAIR…OPA!"

A fireball overtook Orochimaru and his hair went up in flames.

"AHH! NOO! MY BEAUTIFUL HAIR!"

Sasuke rolled his eyes as Orochimaru ran from the house, screaming. "Weakling."

Evil laughter resounded form farther into the house; Sasuke stiffened.

"Little brother, you always were delusional. That jutsu can only defeat weaklings, beings with no ambition. I, however…" Itachi stepped out of the shadows, smiling cruelly.

Sasuke glared at him. "Big brother. What are you doing here?"

"I came to have some fun with you." His Sharingan eyes flashed.

Sasuke rapidly began signing. Itachi swung at him with several punches and kicks. Each time, Sasuke barely dodged.

_Now!_ he thought, bringing a hand to his lips. "ITACHI'S ROBE…OPA!"

Sasuke had been hoping to burn his brother somehow; however, as the cindered robe fell from Itachi's body, a horrible sight was revealed. Sasuke's eyes bulged.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!"

Sasuke ran screaming away from Itachi and his pink-hearted boxers.

The End

o0o0o0o0o

Note: No characters were harmed in the making of this story!

Please review!


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